Month: October 2013

Liebster Award

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liebster-award

Hey, exciting news!  http://yokatiefaga.wordpress.com nominated me for a Liebster Award, which helps to generate awareness about up and coming blogs!  You guys should check out her blog too!

I answer the ten questions that she asked me, and then I ask ten questions to 10 people who I will tag (no tag backs!) at the bottom of this post.  Make sure to check out all of their blogs!

Okay, here goes with the questions:

1. Why do you blog?

I started blogging for a couple of reasons.  First of all, I wanted to share my story to spread the word about mental health issues.  Second of all, I love writing.  Those are also the reasons that I keep blogging.

2. When was the last time, you did something crazy, or extraodinary?

3. Would you consider doing yoga?

I used to do hot yoga regularly, but the classes got too expensive.  Now I just YouTube yoga videos and do it at home.

4. What do you love? (go ahead and get lengthy with this one children)

  • My bunny, Bailey
  • Writing
  • My friends and family
  • Purple
  • Orchids
  • Tea, especially chai tea
  • Dogs
  • Birds
  • All animals, really
  • Reading
  • Children
  • Prozac because it changed my life
  • Cardigans
  • Having someone else make me meals
  • Ryan Gosling
  • Vampire Diaries (and I’m not ashamed of it!)
  • Bagels
  • Spending time with my boyfriend
  • Knowing that my relationship with my boyfriend is a healthy one and that I am empowered enough to kick him to the curb if he ever treats me badly, but I am confident in saying that I doubt that will happen because he is super duper nice to me!
  • Pumpkin pie
  • A lot of things, but I think these are my favourites

5. If you had nothing to do, everyday for a year, what would motivate you to get up and start your day? Anything?

This is a tough question because I hate doing nothing.  I had a couple of months after being released from the psych hospital where I was supposed to do nothing, and it drove me crazy!  I got my motivation from friends and family.  At this point in time, I have my rabbit.  She’s a handful and a half, so she gets me running around doing things for her all the time.  I also have roommates who would keep me pretty occupied!

6. Have you ever held a chicken?

No, I can’t say that I have.

7. When is the last time you star gazed?

It was a few days ago.  I was waiting in line for a haunted house with some friends, and I went into a daze looking at the stars.

8. When is the last time you used the word beautiful?

Yesterday morning!  I take care of two girls before and after school.  One of them was really upset that she didn’t have time to straighten her hair before school because she thinks that she looks ugly with curly hair.  I told her that she’s beautiful, which she is, especially with curly hair.  Then when the two girls and I left the house, I said: “Now I get to take two beautiful ladies off to school!”

9. What is your favorite tv show?  Favorite band?

Vampire Diaries is definitely my favourite show.  I used to be embarrassed about that because I didn’t want to seem like some cliché vampire-obsessed girl.  And even though this is the only vampire thing I like, I really don’t care if you think that I’m a cliché vampire-obsessed girl.  I love the show!  As for my favourite band, that’s a tough question because I like so many bands.  I think I’m going to have to go with Death Cab For Cutie.  Even though I have some bands that I go through phases of infatuation with, I always come back to Death Cab.

10. Where do you feel like you belong?

I don’t really know if there’s a specific place where I belong.  I think I’ll just have to make the best of wherever I am at any given time.  I’m pretty happy with where I am right now.

Okay, there are my answers!  Now for my own questions!

  1. If you didn’t have to worry about money, what would you do with your life?
  2. If you could meet any person in the world, dead or alive, who would it be?
  3. What would you do differently if you could turn back time?
  4. Of all the books you have ever read, which one stands out the most?  Why?
  5. If your house was on fire and you could only grab one thing (assuming that all family members and pets make it out safely on their own), what would it be?
  6. What is your weirdest habit?
  7. Do you have any guilty pleasures?  If so, what are they?
  8. If you could have someone erase all of your negative memories, would you want them to?
  9. What is one lifestyle change that you really want to make but are struggling with?
  10. If you could be an animal, what animal would you be?

And these are the blogs that I am nominating to answer my questions:

Be sure to check these guys out!

Post Suicide Attempt: Prologue

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Hello blog readers!  I had an assignment for one of my classes to write a short story about a life event, which inspired me to write a mini-series for this blog about the aftermath of my suicide attempt!  Cheerful, huh?  Don’t get too worried about it being super heavy and depressing.  That is not my goal.  My goal is to paint a picture of what it was like to receive treatment.  I will be releasing segments of this story every Tuesday evening, so stay tuned!  To get you all started on this journey with me, I am going to tell you about the actual suicide attempt.

It was a Sunday that I decided to take my life.  I had been thinking about doing it for a while, and I had made my decision a few days before I actually went through with it.  There were three reasons I waited until that Sunday.  One:  I was signed up as a driver for my school’s wildlife club trip to see a swan banding demonstration on the Saturday.  I didn’t want people to end up not being able to go because I had died.  Two:  I had volunteered to help my friend make soup for my residence’s Sunday soup kitchen (we all got together and ate soup; we didn’t feed the homeless).  I didn’t want to leave all of the work to her, and I didn’t want to ruin the soup kitchen, so I decided to wait until after that was over with.  Three:  I had borrowed my mom’s car, and I needed to get it back to her.  I also had a coffee date that day, but I didn’t really care; I didn’t even shower for it.

In retrospect, those all seem like really minor things in comparison to death.  But at the time, I thought I was a burden to everyone around me.  To me, it only made sense to do what I had promised others before taking my life because I didn’t want my death to be a burden to anyone.  I really thought I was doing my friends and family a favour.  I mean, I knew they would be sad at first.  But I thought that after their grieving period was over, they would feel a sense of relief because they would be done putting up with all my problems.

Once I finished all of my commitments, I locked myself into my room to end my life since I didn’t want anyone to try and stop me.  However, I felt the need to apologize to two people before I killed myself.  I apologized to the guy who had been emotionally abusive towards me because I felt so guilty about my anxiety, and I apologized to my friend for warning her not to date him when she had a crush on him.  I feel like an idiot for apologizing for those things now.  I’m glad I got in the way of this guy dating my friend because she is one of the sweetest people I know.  She deserves a lot better.  I probably didn’t warn her in the most tactful way, since I had to get drunk to muster up the courage to do something I knew would get me in serious trouble with this guy.  But I’m still glad I warned her.  I used to feel like an idiot for apologizing to this guy right before I attempted suicide because I felt like it made me feel weak, but I don’t care if he sees me as weak anymore.  I don’t give a fuck what he thinks anymore because he has been cut out of my life for good.

After making my apologies, I wrote out a note that said, “This isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.”  Then I gathered all of the pills in my room into a pile and poured a drink.  I was feeling pretty shaky, so I decided to take my anti-anxiety pills first to calm me down.  I have no evidence to prove this, but I think that decision may have been what saved my life.  My anti-anxiety pills made me really sleepy when I took 0.5 mg at a time, and I think that the amount that I took that night knocked me unconscious before I could swallow enough pills to actually die.  I don’t know for sure because I don’t remember a whole lot after that point until waking up the next day.  And that’s for me to write about next week.  *SPOILER ALERT!* I didn’t die.

Post Suicide Attempt: Chapter 1 – https://sophiebuck.wordpress.com/2013/11/05/post-suicide-attempt-chapter-1/