It has certainly been a long time since I posted anything on this blog. I have written lots of things for the purpose of posting on here, but it just hasn’t happened. (NOTE: “hasn’t” is underlined like it is spelled wrong in my editor, so I am really self-conscious about it. Please don’t make fun of me if it’s wrong. I’m like 10-90% sure [depending on how hard I think about it] that I am right, but one never knows.) I’ve been in an “I Hate Myself” spiral. You must know what I am talking about.
Step 1: Start off with confidence
Step 2: Doubt yourself
Step 3: Procrastinate
Step 4: Hate yourself
Step 5: Repeat until you can’t
For example, I am supposed to be writing an essay right now. Actually, at this point, I should have that essay completely finished. If not totally finished, I should be at least in my final round of editing. I keep sitting down to start it with so much confidence that I am going to blow the head off of my TA with my insights on same-sex marriage in Canada. But then I actually start writing, and I realize that I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. I chose to write about homosexuality and religion. Why the hell did I do that? I am neither homosexual nor religious. And yes, it is a research project, but I am starting at ground zero on two subjects. “You know what?” I think to myself. “I will just take a little break to refresh my brain, then I’ll come back to this.”
Later… “Jesus Christ, why did I just waste my time re-organizing my drawers and watching The Vampire Diaries (although, is watching TVD ever a waste of time?)? Now I have even less time to get this shit done. Sophie, why do you do this to yourself time and time again? Okay, well, here it goes again.”
The spiral does end at some point. I run out of energy, so I just can’t keep going forever. Luckily, the spiral does have a possible outcome that is positive; I eventually get enough done each time that I re-start my project that it ends up finished. Unfortunately, there is always the other possibility that I just decide that the task I have taken on is too much and I give up. Hopefully my essay doesn’t (there it goes saying “doesn’t” isn’t spelled right again) end up like the latter, but this blog did. I gave up on it. I was doubting myself so much that I just stopped. Luckily for me, the “I Hate Myself” spiral is my very own “I Hate Myself” spiral, so I can do whatever the fuck I want with it. In other words, I am bringing the blog back.
One good thing has come out of all this, however. The boy is very happy with me that I did dishes, even if it was just because essays are the worst, worse than dishes even.